Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The Worst Honeymoon Ever !!!

Saying for the Day: Fear is not an aphrodisiac.

We reach into the artifact box and out comes the shell of a used roman candle. This takes me back to my honeymoon .

We were, you remember, hopelessly in love. I dreamed of the honeymoon night. I fantasized about the honeymoon night. It was going to be great.

Of course there was one little problem we were both virgins. That , of course, should be a virtue not a problem.

But a week before the wedding something terrible happened. The mechanism needed for the honeymoon quit working. It just up ( bad choice of words) and quit. Imagine ED at 23 and no Viagra.

No fantasy, no daydream could make it work.

So I did what I always do when confronted with the unknown I bought a book. It was called “ The Wedding Night”. In the book I was told that sometimes fear caused the mechanism ( strange term) to shut down (better word than up). I was afraid.

So now I knew the problem. What was the solution?

The book said “Relax, it’ll work out”. Ya sure it will.

I was afraid I would fail. I was afraid I would disappoint her. I was afraid I would do something dumb. Fear is not an aphrodisiac.

So the night came. We were at my Aunt Doris’s camp. When we left the reception an old guy from my intern parish said “ Have fun kids”.
Fun I was in agony.

When we got to the camp it was already getting dark so I fired off the roman candles we brought with us to celebrate. ( A stalling tactic). That’s where the artifact comes from.

Then we went to bed. We turned off the gas lights. There was no electricity. She was wearing an erotic Virginia Secrets type negligee . We kissed , we touched. And nothing happened. Nothing happened!!!

We kept trying and just when it looked like something might save me IT hit the garbage can. IT made lots of noise. We were sure IT was a bear and not a raccoon. Now we had a new fear. The door of the camp was not very sturdy. Again fear is not an aphrodisiac.

WE spent the rest of the night huddled together praying we wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom. The bathroom was an outhouse 40 yards from the camp building ( it seemed like a mile) . We would have to go by IT to get there.

In the morning when we saw the damage to the garbage can we were sure IT was a bear. We packed up and went to my parent’s house. We packed everything and left for Chicago . We pretended the night was wonderful.

I was sure there was an annulment in our future. I had failed. I had failed.

However, in the car on the way down. Kathryn did something that ended all my fears.

That night at the seminary the real honeymoon took place and it was grand. It was trully grand.

So despite Betty saying I should throw the shell of the roman candle away I keep it. It reminds me of a horrible and a wonderful night.

9000 spins without a win. That's a milestone. Today we should be having the great losers party that old Hapless has been planning. However he decided to put it off until he reaches 10,000. Not just because 10,000 looks nicer but because right now the house is all cluttered with train stuff as he gets ready for the return of Pigeon Falls. It just isn't ready for a big party and with lots of losers out there the party is bound to be big. He's inviting all Packer and Lion's fans. The way the Tiger's have been going in the last week he may invite their fans too.
Well Uncle Wiggly lovers if Old Hapless doesn't narrow down that invitation list and thus invite too many people for the house causing the fuses to blow and the computer to go down. we will be back tomorrow with another chapter of " As The World Spins"

Well the honeymoon is over and only three questions remain. How long does he stay married to Kathryn? Where does Betty come in? And of course , whatever happened to napkin girl? The good news is that all of these questions will be answered next Tuesday if we find the right artifact. When I got up this morning it was 28 degrees outside. It was good that we hadn't planted the flowers yet. It was too cold to work in the garage so I did some work on the computer while Betty cleaned house. It was an extra dull day. Betty has gone to Bible study and I will have a breathing treatment as soon as she comes home.


Blogger Gary said...

I am new here. I am really enjoying your blog.

5:06 AM  
Blogger Lori's Minute said...

Well. the guy I married is proof that something worked right sometime after you got married.

7:35 AM  
Blogger Mimi said...

Dr John you have the greatest life stories! They could really make great movies!

7:37 AM  
Blogger Super Woman said...

It isn't unusual for men to get "performance anxiety" before the first "performance". My husband was very worried on a similar note.

7:55 AM  
Anonymous TC said...

Thanks for that, Doc.

I think all the guys learnt something valuable from that.

Next time that happens after a tad too much alcohol, we can blame the bears!

7:57 AM  
Blogger kristi said...

Thank goodness for the bear, that got you out of that situation but I am glad to hear that everything "worked" in the end. Everything happens for a reason. Can't wait until next week, maybe you should start doing it biweekly!!!

8:00 AM  
Blogger Chana said...

my wedding night was spent on my mom's living room on a sleeping bag while i was drugged up from a 'valium' my mom had given me...and trust me that was the better part of the whole day...lol..It's hard to wait a whole week for the rest of the story. You are a very good and funny writter, thank you for sharing such a personal story.

I am glad 'comment blogger stuff' is back to working, yesterday i couldn't leave any comments, it was down i guess but i did read your post and thought it was so nice what you wrote. We should all follow your example.
I think it's beautiful that you and Betty share such talent and passion for your hobbie. You guys do a great job.
I laughed at imagining you cleaning out the garage.

Hope you are well and read you tomorrow.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Catch said...

Oh what a great story!!! I cant wait for the next part! You just keep us all hangin on...lol

11:27 AM  
Blogger Laurie said...

And just what happened in the car? ;-) (never mind, I can guess, LOL)

The Lions? The Tigers? How about the Wings and the Pistons! Now we're talkin' champs! :-)

1:44 PM  
Blogger Annette Burkett said...

I hope you don't mind that I added you under my friends links. In my book you've qualify as a friend. Regardless of what some may think, that's not as easy a status to obtain as they might think! Actually, I really don't have a book at all, but I still enjoy having you as one of my blogging friends.

In His Love,

5:20 PM  
Blogger Patrick said...

Wow hmm ok well I never heard that story ! LOL My Weding night I spent in a hotel in the bathroom heaving with more then just my wife in the room cuz we were leaving early for forida. Well I spent the whole next week heaving also not a good way to start out maybe my body was telling me something. My ex blamed my friend who got me a little to drunk the night before. Loved your story

5:36 PM  
Anonymous tina said...

Well, good for Kathryn ... and good for you, too, I am sure ! Glad to hear that this sweet and charming story had a happy ending. I'm anxious to hear more. Tina
p.s. I am loving your tales of the past.

10:28 PM  
Blogger W. J. St. Christopher said...

Now, Doc, how did you arrange to have that bear show up at just the right time?

You know, in the movies, fear is ALWAYS an aphrodisiac!

12:24 PM  
Blogger Pennie said...

No more info. I can't handle it. Please do tell us that Katheryn prayed and thanked god for you. I am innocent and can't handle anymore information.

9:24 PM  

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