Wednesday, April 19, 2006

When I hated God

Saying for the Day: Its better to be mad at God than at people because God is much quicker to forgive.

Someone I consider a blog friend (meaning I’ve never met her in person) shared her personal suffering at Easter because of the death of a child. As is often the case for me in reading blogs it brought back memories.

I was nine years old when my brother Robert died. He was only three months old. A happy family was suddenly plunged into grief. One day he was a happy, seemingly healthy baby and the next day he was being operated on and died.

There is no way one can prepare for this.
It devastated my mother. She suffered for years after.

It angered me. I loved Robert. I loved my mother. I didn’t want Robert to die and I didn’t want my mother to suffer. I even prayed he would be okay.
God failed me. I was really mad at God.

I decided that either God was mean or God didn’t exist. Either way I couldn’t be bothered with Him. I would fix Him by not believing.

I went to Sunday school because my mother made me. It was Methodist and they didn’t talk much about God. Mostly they talked about being nice to people. I never asked why we should be nice to people but I thought it.

I went To Lutheran Confirmation because my Grandfather wanted me to. I would have done anything for my grandfather. The Pastor was a horrible teacher and I got confirmed without believing. I got money from my relatives so it was good.

But once I was confirmed I joined my parents in not going to church. I didn’t have to any more. There was no reason to. I still hated God. He left Robert die. He hurt my mother. I couldn’t love a God like that. I couldn’t even like Him.

So I know how she feels. At least she hasn’t given up on God altogether.
How did I get from there to being a pastor? That’s another story.

8700 spins without a prize. Old Hapless thinks there ought to be a law against telling people they have won when they haven't. Every day he gets e-mail saying that he's a winner. But when he checks it out it's just another come on. People want to sell him stuff so they lie to him. You haven't won unless you get something with no strings attached. If there are strings its not a win and shouldn't be called one. Politicians wouldn't understand because they are always getting stuff with strings attached. That's why Washington is such a mess. You'll never get them to vote for this law.
Well Uncle Wiggly lovers unless one of those e-mails comes without strings causing Old Hapless to jump for joy thus wrecking both knees. We will be back tomorrow with another chapter of "As the World Spins"

In blogging this morning I came across a story you ought to read. Its at "What is ....? It'll fog your glasses. Two new entries on that blog since this morning you need to scroll down to see the entry refereed to. I spent the day making the third trestle and there is only one to go. Betty varnished the two that are already done. Then she worked on the HO layout. Well I need a breathing treatment.


Blogger Mimi said...

However it happened, I am glad you found God again. I am very sorry for you loosing your brother. That is a tragedy not just for him, but for you and your family. When children leave us so young, I try to look at it as that they are angels and that was their mission to leave us, to teach us life's lessons. It may not be true and may sound crazy, but it helps me to think that way.

5:49 AM  
Blogger Chana said...

I'm sorry that your brother died. I often think that when people pass it must be because God wanted and needed them more...I have to think so childish i guess, to deal with grief. When God calls we listen-end of story but hard to deal with much of the time. I don't like death, can you tell, another thing to work on. Your mother must have suffered so. I cannot imagine how much pain she must have gone through. How much pain, you and your dad and all the family must have felt. I'm truly sorry.
I will patiently wait to read how it all happened. But I'm glad that God called you and you followed Him.

I went to the link. The story is heart breaking but i couldn't finish it. A new post is up and the page won't budge..I'll try later to see if it is working..I would like to know that he brought the doll for the child and leave a comment.

BTWl-to answer your question: Nothing, it was just a pic of duck hunting and i love Bugs Bunny so i used it. LOL :)

7:14 AM  
Blogger Lori's Minute said...

I feel lucky because no one close to me has died....yet.

8:05 AM  
Blogger Sister Chris said...

just letting you know, we're back from Vegas and I have a new post on my blogg!!
Love, Chris--for all of you "out there", I'm the sister who does not hate Bush !! LOL

9:33 AM  
Blogger kristi said...

I am sorry to hear about your loss of your brother. Sometimes things happen in our lives and we can not understand why at that moment or we may never know why. The easiest person to blame is God but that is only out of confusion. I like to think like Mimi, everyone has a mission and whether they are hear for a 100 years or 1 minute they fulfill their mission.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Catch said...

I am truly sorry to hear about your baby brother , and can only imagine how your Mother suffered, but I am so glad that you found God again. When children leave us they go straight to God...and that gives me much comfort ~ Its the only way I could get through it.

1:28 PM  
Blogger Annalee Blysse said...

This post hits home. I've never lost a child or sibling, but one of my playmates passed away tragically when I was young. Even though some memories have faded there are certain images are cemented in my mind 3 decades later. I remember what he looks like smiling and that his folks died together in a car accident. I have to think when the child is family, losing them would be multipled greatly in intensity.

12:09 AM  
Blogger web_loafer said...

Dr. John,
You stopped by Sanity's Bluff, and left a rational comment. How do I repay you? Perhaps it was supposed to be that way. When I was young, all of the children in the neighborhood made paths in the nearby 'timber'

There was the main path that was there for anyone to follow, but each little subgroup of the suburbs had a secret path...

And we hid our loot on that path, but we actually wanted others to find that path, and enjoy with us.

I'll be back here often to read your blog, your secret path.

May God wrap Godly arms around you in a hug that will comfort you beyond the comforts of the world, and prepare you for the hugs of heaven.

12:27 AM  
Blogger Christopher said...

I've come to the conclusion that dealing with Dark Nights of the Soul do in the end make one's faith stronger, but in the moment, the in years, in the decades, in which one is in the Dark Nights it is extremely hard.

3:32 AM  
Anonymous Tina said...

This entry brought back a memory for me. When my son was nine, one of his best friends died. The Saturday afternoon that we told him about Michael, he said nothing. Just walked out the front door and sat in the yard all day. The next morning, when we arrived at church for Sunday services, he announced that he was not going in the church, now or ever again, because God was mean to take his friend. I remember walking around the outside of the church in circles, as my son cried. At one point, he said, " You aren't supposed to get mad at God, but I am." I responded by telling him that God is big enough to handle his anger, and that He understands it. The next Sunday he relented, and said he was going to go, but he wasn't going to pray. Fine, I told him. Just explain your position to God, and see how He responds. Well, He and God must have had a good heart-to-heart that Sunday, because after that, he and God seemed to be friends again. Tina

11:42 PM  

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