Thursday, March 09, 2006

4. Lutherans and SEX

Contest prizes(with pictures)......... Contest rules
Saying for the Day: It is incumbent on every Lutheran to build up the Church.
As the holder of an earned Doctor’s Degree I am expected to do research and write papers based on that research.

I usually don’t reveal the nature of that research until the paper is published in the proper journal.

But the research I am doing now is leading to such astounding conclusions that I must share them with you my loyal blog readers in advance of the official paper.

Hold onto your seat as this will astound you.

Lutherans do not have sex because of lust.

Lutherans don’t have sex to have fun. (A few bad Lutherans do but when their wives find out they repent.)

Lutherans do not have sex because of undying love.

Why do Lutherans have sex?

It is for Evangelism.

Sex is the way to help the Church grow.

You see the Lutheran Church has never been much for pushing the faith on others.

Lutherans don’t go door to door saying “Are you saved buddy?”

In fact Lutherans , as a general rule, never talk about their faith at all.

Lutherans are not fanatics.

So how does the Lutheran Church grow?

The answer is Lutherans have evangelistic sex.

Lutherans have sex to produce more Lutherans. It is that simple.

If you don’t believe me ask a Lutheran about the religion of his grand parents or great grandparents. You’ll see the pattern.

This is why Lutheran Pastors are against abortion for Lutherans.

Non Lutherans can and probably should abort unneeded children.

Once the new Lutheran is produced. The church takes control.

The church provides, nursery school, Sunday school, Confirmation and sometimes even all day school to insure that the child becomes part of the church.

Once grown the child is expected to use sex to build the faith.

It is incumbent that a Lutheran marry a non-Lutheran and convert them to the faith.

Sex here is the attraction. No conversion means no sex.

So Lutherans marry Catholics and convert them. Lutherans marry Hindus and convert them. Lutherans even marry atheists and convert them.

The only group that Lutherans don’t convert is that group that threatens to cut off your head if you convert.

Lutherans don’t take chances we leave that to the Baptists.

My research is almost complete and the paper is almost done.

The only group that does better at Evangelism by sex is the Catholics.

You know how many new little Catholics they have.

6650 spins without a win. Last day of this stupid contest. The winner of yesterday's surprise prize is TC from Twisted Chili dot Com who after coming so close finally made it. He gets 27 blog explosion credits. however, if you go to his blog today, you will see why we are thinking of suspending the prize. He violated his oath of secrecy and has revealed Hetico's laws to the world. Shame on him.
Well Uncle Wiggly lovers if My Bishop doesn't read this blog and pull my pastoral credentials causing me to be so depressed i can't blog we will return tomorrow with "As the World Spins"

Spent the morning adding a new top ten list to the church website. Also put the bulletin for this coming Sunday. Blogger was down for a bit but I don't complain because its free. Pennie called and she has to have her hand operated on.
I gave in to Betty's polite suggestions (not nagging) and agreed to go to the barber.
Our one barber shop was closed. I guess I'll just have to keep looking like the cave man on the Geico add .
So we went shopping. After that dull, dull, dull. Now I need a breathing treatment.


Anonymous TC said...

I will strive to do better next time, Master.

Just don't hit me with the birch twigs again. That's my wife's job (apparently).

Does that count as Church of England sex...??????????????????????????

6:33 AM  
Blogger Mimi said...

I love your blog! You always make me laugh! :)

7:08 AM  
Blogger Peter said...

Now I understand how ugly Lutherans end up having beautiful children...L

10:17 AM  
Blogger Jimbo Big Toe said...

This is interesting research. Essentially the Lutherans are the swingers of Christianity. Now, should Lutherans adopt polygamy? Of course strictly as a strategically move. The expansion rate could really take off. Just sayin’.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

LOL.. I convinced my Catholic ex-husband to convert to the Lutheran faith.

Maybe you are on to something, Doc.

1:36 PM  
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