Thursday, April 17, 2008

A Million Dollar Wish

Saying for the day: There are times when a good cover story is better than an unbelievable truth.

It’s time for another elf tale.
Once upon a time, not too long ago, there lived a young man who decided that he never ever wanted to have a job. His name was Thomas Sri. And he lived in Littletown Nebraska. It was not that Tom was lazy. He didn’t dislike work he just hated jobs. Jobs were boring. Jobs had mean bosses. Jobs had weird co-workers. He knew this because he spent a lot of time reading blogs. He knew there were people who were like black widow spiders and just made your life miserable on the job. He knew you couldn’t reason with them. He knew that nobody liked their job. Further he knew that jobs made you dishonest and he was an honest person. He read on the internet where people spent all day on the job sending text messages or playing on the computer and getting no work done. Now that wasn’t the right way to live.
So he decided never to have a job. Of course, in Littletown Nebraska there weren’t a lot of jobs to begin with. There was clerk at the hardware store but old Mr. Bender was impossible to get along with. There was a job as mechanic down at Al’s Garage but you had to know something about cars and Tom didn’t.. There was an orderly position at the hospital but the head nurse made the Grinch look like a nice character.
So Tom didn’t get a job. After he graduated from High school he lived in his old room in his parent’s house.. For ten years he lived there. He never had a job and he never filed an income tax form. He had no income.
But, as I said, he was not lazy. Every day he set out to do a good deed. He was sort of the town’s resident good deed doer. He cut old Mr. Waren’s lawn because he couldn’t and didn’t have money to hire somebody. He hauled Mrs. Turmpy’s groceries, once a week every week. . Wherever he saw somebody in need he helped. Everybody in Littletown loved him.
His mother, on the other hand kept telling him to get a job. Every day she came up with a new reason why he should join the job force. He would respond that he was too busy working to get a job.
This could have gone on for many more years but one day on his way home from the good deed of the day he was joined by a little man in a green suit with funny green shoes that curled at the toes. The little man told Tom he was an elf and because of his good deeds he could have one wish.
Without even thinking Tom said “ I wish I had a million dollars”
The elf responded “ As you have wished so shall it be”. There was flash of light and the elf was gone.
Tom continued on his way home thinking of all the people he could help with a million dollars, including his mother.
When he got to his room there were ten boxes . Each was filled with $100,000. There were dollar bills, five dollar bills, ten dollar bills, hundred dollar bills, and thousand dollar bills. All were neatly wrapped and labeled as to amount.
That night Tom couldn’t sleep for fear somebody would break in and rob him. So the next day he borrowed his mother’s SUV and took the money to the bank. He deposited it in a joint saving and checking account. This was more money than the Littletown bank had ever seen. They gave him the usual toaster for opening the account.
Two days later as Tom was making up lists of people to help with the money the elf had given him two men came to the house. They identified themselves as FBI agents. The bank had, as required by law, informed the government of the sudden large deposit and they wanted to know where Tom got the money.
“Why an elf gave it to me”, Tom said.
The two men laughed and said you will have to come up with a better story than that. We think it is mob money that you are laundering.
“What mob?”, Tom asked.” There is no mob in Littletown.”
Well they hauled Tom down to the police station and questioned him all day. But he kept saying it was an elf. The men finally let him go home.
Word spread around town that Tom was part of the mob. All the people that he had helped shook their heads and said” He seemed like such a nice boy.” and were quick to believe he was a crook. They would have believed he was serial killer if you told them.
Now the government had a problem.They couldn’t prove it was drug money though they knew it had to be. They couldn’t prove the mob was in Littletown. They couldn’t prove that Tom ever left town. In reality they couldn’t prove anything except that Tom had a million dollars and an unbelievable story of how he got it.
But little things like lack of proof never bothered our government. If you can’t get the crook one way you can get him another. They turned Tom’s case over to the dreaded Gestapo. Whoops I’m sorry that was not the Gestapo it was the IRS.
Fifteen days after he got the money the IRS in the form of a smiling agent showed up at his door. He asked Tom to tell him where the money ,on which he had paid no tax and which he had not reported , came from. Tom, of course, said an elf gave it to him and he didn’t know that elf money was taxable. At this point the IRS agent stopped smiling.
“You know and I know that there are no elves” he said.” Now tell the truth”
But poor Tom said again an elf gave it to me.
At that point the IRS agent pulled out his calculator and went to work. It seemed they had checked and discovered he had filed no IRS forms for the last ten years. So they were going to assume he made $100,000 a year. They didn't care at this point how he made it. He didn’t report it and he didn’t pay tax on it. So there is tax due, and penalties, and interest, and interest on the penalties, and penalties on the interest on the penalties..
After everything was figured Tom owed the government One million one hundred six dollars and fourteen cents. So the IRS was seizing the million and giving him thirty days to pay the rest.
Now, of course, Tom could appeal but what judge would believe that an elf gave him the money?
He would have to get a job to pay the rest of what he owed.
Now there are several morals to this story:
1. The truth does not influence the IRS.
2. Be careful what you wish for you may get it.
3. People you help will not hesitate to turn on you.
4. If an elf gives you a wish and you want a million dollars have it deposited by the elf in an offshore bank.
#### News from Pigeon Falls-The little town in my basement where the trains still run, dragons fly, and life is back to normal. The dragon parties continued last night and the town dragon did not disappoint them. In fact it flew over the town twice belching fire all the time. It was almost as if it was performing for the crowd.
Bonnie McGregor had her regular check up and everything looks fine. She will be the oldest person in Pigeon Falls history to have twins. There were two woman older than her who had babies. Old Doc Simpson remembers both of them. They were sisters and it was almost like a contest to see who could have the most children. It ended up a tie each one had fifteen. Those were the days when children were your social security. Doc Simpson was a young doctor just out of medical school when he delivered the fifteenth child for each of them. As he put it “ They really didn’t need me . They had the whole thing down pat from lots of practice”.
The word on the street is that Mrs, Petrovich is pregnant. Petrovich hasn’t said anything. Old Doc Simpson isn’t talking but that is the word on the street.
Pastor Joan says that in the Church Room there ought to be some kind of project like raising money for World Hunger. Perhaps some brochures and a lock box people could put money in. It could go one year to one church’s world hunger program and the next year to another.

Today's Link-Poetic License- About reading books and the problems thereof.
I am a bit better today. The oxygen level is up but my stomach is still upset. Betty took the dog for a walk. I brought the Elf Tales website up to date. Betty took the eBay package to the Post Office. Then she went to a Bible study. I watched TV for a couple of hours.Then I did some blog reading.I visited all my links. Pennie came home early. She had spent all afternoon getting a root canal. A bad tooth was the reason for all her pain this week. Now I need a breathing treatment.
From the archaives-My debate team-


Blogger butterflies said...

LOL! I like the morals:)

7:39 AM  
Blogger A Happy Downtowner said...

Very good post, love the reference to the black widow spiders in the work force :) and of course the morals, so true!

8:17 AM  
Blogger The Old Fart said...

Loved the tale Dr John, I guess those rascals work both sides of the Border. The company I work for didn't take enough tax off last year, I owe over $500.00 even though I paid in a King's Ransom.

As for the news on my end, I did pass the medical and was told I'd start the training the end of May, Still waiting to hear back from Greyhound if I got the job with them. I think driving through the Mountains would be nice.

9:33 AM  
Blogger Janvangogh said...

So the bills from the elves passed the counterfeit test?

The thought of Petrovich continuing his line kind of made me gag a little.

11:00 AM  
Blogger QUASAR9 said...

Now there are several morals to this story:
1. The truth does not influence the IRS.
2. Be careful what you wish for you may get it.
3. People you help will not hesitate to turn on you.
4. If an elf gives you a wish and you want a million dollars have it deposited by the elf in an offshore bank.

1:34 PM  
Blogger QUASAR9 said...

Me, I love paying taxes.
If I'm paying a million dollars in taxes, think how much I must be taking home.
If I'm paying 50 million dollars in taxes, could I ever spend the rest.

And if I was paying as much taxes as Bill Gates, would I not also be as rich as Bill Gates.

Never begrudge paying taxes
"Give to Caesar what is Caesars, and ..."

1:37 PM  
Blogger QUASAR9 said...

PS _ I think it is unfair of the little elf to give Tom a million dollars, and leave him short of a hundred six dollars and fourteen cents.

But hold on, 5% per annum on a million dollars, that's $50,000
or almost £140 interest a day. Even if Tom only had the million dollars in the bank for a day, he should still be over £30.00 in credit.

The glass is always half full or half empty depending on how you look at it.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Momma said...

Dr. John -

Thanks so much for linking to my post on the Order of Reading. I've decided to give myself a couple of days off from reading any of my books at all. I think my eyes need a rest anyway.

Loved your little story about the elf. Isn't it the truth that the government will get theirs (and then some) no matter how honest we all may be.

Peace - D

2:01 PM  
Blogger Mountain Mama said...

That is an interesting elf story. Did you think it up?

7:21 PM  

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