Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Ugly Witch

Saying for the day:If the broom fits, fly it.

It’s time to fill some blog space with another elf tale. If you missed the other elf tales you will find , on the left hand side, a square marked elf tales. Click on it and there you are. Now on to today’s.
Once upon a time in a place nearer than you think there lived a really wicked witch. In fact she was the wickedest witch that ever lived in any time or any place. She was really really mean and cruel and heartless and just plain evil. If there had been a magic mirror for her to ask who was the wickedest of them all she would have always gotten the answer “ You my dear witch. There is none more wicked than you.” But she didn’t have a mirror though she often considered creating one.
She lived deep in one of the few remaining dark forests , one that the aggressive lumber industry had not turned into houses or paper. She delighted in human misery. She caused Presidents and Kings to start wars by clouding their thinking, though to be fair to her some didn’t need much clouding. War brought great misery and made her very happy. In between wars she spent her time turning people into things. She turned men into frogs and lizards with occasional alligators and geckos thrown in. Women she turned into snakes an cute cats with an occasional mountain lion. Some of these got jobs on American television, particularly the ones with British accents. But most of them just hung around in the wilderness hoping somebody would come and kiss them. But for the most past nobody ever did. Frog kissing might be good for fairy tales but in real life it just doesn’t happen.
Despite all her power and despite the fact that she had a really miserable war going on the witch was not happy. You see she was ugly. Not your garden variety ugly but really ugly. If it weren’t for the Queen of Outer Bohemia she would have been the ugliest woman in the world. But she wanted to be beautiful. O how she wanted to be beautiful. You see this was the limit to her magic. She could do any evil act but she good not produce good. Making someone beautiful required good magic. She could of course create the illusion of beauty so people would think she was beautiful but that simply wasn’t the same. She wanted her very DNA to be beautiful.
So she contacted the Elf Council. As I’m sure you know the Elf Kingdom is ruled by a council called The Royal Order of Elves. Why it was named that nobody seemed to know it just was. In any case she told the Royal Order of Elves that if they didn’t send her an elf she would turn the entire kingdom into a mud puddle and all the elves into soggy toadstools. Now the Council felt that together they had enough magic to prevent her from doing this but they weren’t absolutely sure. So they decided to send Charlie to visit her. Now Charlie was not the brightest Elf. He was not very smart at all. No, they picked Charlie because he was the elf they could most easily get along without. He was to be a scapegoat or scapeelf if you will. It was better for Charlie to die than to have the whole country turned into a mud puddle.
Now , of course, that is not what they told Charlie. Oh ! No they didn’t tell him that at all. They told him they picked him because he was the bravest elf of all and the very best elf to represent them. And Charlie believed them. Hey! I told you he wasn’t very bright.
So Charlie entered the deep dark woods and walked to the witch’s house, a smarter elf would have gotten there by magic and thus been there much quicker. On the other hand , perhaps, Charlie wasn’t so dumb.
When Charlie entered the dark cottage the Witch was ready with her request. “ I want to be beautiful” she said.” Grant me a wish”. Now Charlie thought for a moment and then he said “ I’m sorry that just isn’t possible. It would be against the basic elf rule. All wishes are granted as a reward for an act of kindness. At no time is a wish to be granted without the necessary act.”
The Witch became very angry and lightning bolts crashed to the floor in front of Charlie. But Charlie was not moved. He may not have been very smart but he knew the rules, all twelve of them and he lived by them. She could blow a hole through him and he would not waver.
“ I have checked your entire life as recorded in the eternal data bank and never have you ever committed one act of kindness, not one.” he said. Now a smarter elf might have decided that the sheer fact that she hadn’t blown a hole in him or turned him into a frog could be considered an act of kindness. But Charlie was not smart enough for such rule bending. It was simple matter, she had never been kind so she gets no wish.
After firing more lightning bolts and threatening him with every curse she could think of she realized he was not going to change his mind. So she sat down and thought. To become beautiful she would have to do a kind act as much as she hated it and as much as it would hurt . So she said to Charlie” If I turn all the people that I have turned into animals back into people would that be considered an act of kindness?”. She kept, in the back of her mind, a spell to return them all to animals again as soon as she got her wish but of course Charlie didn’t know that.
“ I suppose it would”, Charlie said. So she waved her hand there was a flash of light and all across the forest frogs, snakes and other things became people again. They were all very happy, except for the ones that lost there TV jobs. Their happiness gave the wicked witch a headache but now she would get her wish.
“What do you want ? Charlie asked.
“Make me absolutely beautiful so that every fiber of me is beautiful right down to my DNA but she added allow me to continue to be me..”
“As you wish so shall it be” said Charlie. Then he used his own magic to transport himself back to the Royal Council of Elves.
The wicked witch looked into the mirror and there was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen and the witch was very pleased. Then she waved her hand to pronounce the curse to put everybody back as they were but she couldn’t. Her new beautiful body refused to do anything that was not beautiful. She tried to start a war, nothing. She attempted to cause just a little famine, nothing. Now the witch began to panic. She was stuck in a body that could only do good and she couldn’t stand doing good.
So if you enter a deep dark wood and find a little cottage with a very beautiful but unhappy woman. Who when she invites you in , mutters things, waves her hands, and then cries. Be nice and make her a cup of coffee. Then thank Charlie your not a frog.
News from Pigeon Falls-The little town in my basement where the trains still run, dragons fly, and life is just a little strange. Eino’s friend told Eiino that a plan to bomb Pigeon Falls with an Atomic bomb was now on the desk of the President who had to make the final decision. The leading generals had all signed off on it but President Bush didn’t want to go down in history as the first and probably the only President to drop an Atomic bomb on an American town. Now if they were suggesting it be dropped on Iran that could be a different story.
Mrs. Hansen has decided to let Tommy UK talk to Charlie and to let Charlie try to open the box. Charlie was in his room watching sesame street. When Tommy UK entered he noticed the Special Olympics medal hanging on the wall. It had a place of honor. Charlie pointed it out and said with –pride “ That’s my medal. Do you have a medal? Everybody should have a medal. You can have mine if you want.” At that point Tommy UK was sure that Charlie was the “pure of heart” one.
“Charlie, we need you to open a box for us”
“ Is it one of my boxes. I’m not allowed to touch other people’s things you know.”
“ No, it’s not your box. But a very, very smart man said that you are the only one that can open it. And it is very important to Pigeon Falls that it be opened.”
“ But I’m not supposed to touch other people’s things ask my mother”
“ Your mother said you should do it for the town. You will be a hero”.
“ You mean like superman?”
“Yes , like superman.”
“ Can I fly?”
“ No, but you can save the entire town.”
“ I thought hero’s had to fly.”
Will this conversation ever end? Will he open the box ? Will he be a hero? Can he be a hero and stay pure of heart? And of course is Tommy UK really the undertaker’s kid? At least some of these questions will be answered tomorrow.

Today's Link-Death by Children-13 reasons why his son is annoying.
Another ho hum day but with good breathing. I got Betty's computer set up to talk to the new wireless printer. I visited all my links. I tried all day to get support to tell me why my website for the church wasn't coming up. That never did get solved. Apria came and checked my oxygen equipment. Found a loose piece which may account for the alarm the other morning. Now I need a breathing treatment.


Blogger Janvangogh said...

Charlies sounds like he could be the right one. Or maybe Pigeon Falls needs to go looking in the woods for an elf.

5:40 AM  
Blogger The Old Fart said...

Charlie the Elf, lived by the rule book, he must have been the Shop Stewart of all the other elves. What a brave little elf he was.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Stacy said...

I think maybe the Charlies of this world and the other, just might be on to something with their simpleness while the rest of us run around making everything harder than it has to be.

9:25 AM  
Anonymous Kat said...

As elf tales go, this one was pretty good.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Josie said...

I think I have met that beautiful witch. I believe she is now the head of Human Resources where I work. She's very unhappy. And she tries very hard to do evil things.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous quilly said...

Beauty is as beauty does. And Charlie was plenty bright enough to dole out a just punishment!

10:22 PM  
Blogger Abigail Bukai said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:46 AM  

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