Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Fast Forward from Ralph 28-A word to the Bank

Saying for the Day-Just because they talk about service doesn't mean they give any.

Ralph Valine wrote:

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

Notice, that whereas, I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, over- charging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no way that I will accept an incomplete application.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number with which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:
# 1. To make an appointment to see me
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

# 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an Establishment Fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)

--------Save this letter to use any part that may apply to your situation next time you have to deal with your bank!

@@@@ News From Pigeon Falls-the little town in my basement where the trains still run, dragons fly, and it keeps getting darker.-As people continue to get ready for the Pigeon Days Variety Show the darkness predicted by Petrovich would seem to be descending on the town.
More and more people are stopping at Nancy’s and commenting on how dark it seems. Not only are the nights blacker but somehow the days seem darker. The sun is shining, there are no clouds, and yet it seems darker.
Eino says it isn’t any darker. It is all in their heads. Petrovich has them thinking it is going to get blacker and so it seems to be getting blacker. But in reality everything is the same as it was.
People are not listening to Eino and are busy trying to figure out what comes afrer the “ unless” . They have the words “ woman and priest” to which Petrovich added this morning the word “confess“. So it seems some woman must confess to Father Bill. The obvious woman would be Polly since this whole thing started with her. But Polly isn’t even Catholic and she swears she has nothing to confess.
It could be the girl that put the nude picture of Polly on the internet. Perhaps, she’s Catholic. Nobody knows who that is. General thinking is that it is one of the other candidates.
The whole thing has become like a game. People are doing the best they can to make sense out of the three words, Somebody has to confess before “The earth will open and swallow the city.” The whole prophecy can be seen HERE.
Tommy UK was asked what he thought but he said he was too busy trying to get his tap dancing routine ready for the Variety Show to worry about Petrovich. His mother wishes he would worry about that before he wears out the floor.

Today's Link-Sharing Nature's Garden- Having a garden and going on a vacation can be a problem. Leave a Dr. John in the comment for an extra chance in Friday's drawing.
Another doing day. Went to Wal Marts in the morning. Got paper and a printer cartridge. Did some grocery shopping. Watched my soaps. Printed out my May blogs for my sister. Then I visited all the links and left comments on the new ones. If you would like a funny video I recome4nd the one on Alpha Dude's blog. Now I need a breathing treatment


Blogger Janvangogh said...

That Tommy UK must really be dancing up a storm if his mother is worried about him wearing out the floor.

5:16 AM  
Blogger Ruth said...

loved that letter!!..I'm sure I will be using parts of it in the future.

6:27 AM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Is it really getting darker? Is Eino in denial? Why is Tommy UK ignoring a good mystery? Is Pigeon Falls doomed to become a hole in the earth?

These questions are killing me! Patience is not one of my virtues.

7:46 AM  
Blogger bazza27 said...

The letter is brilliant, but isn't it sad that the service industry no longer serves?

8:04 AM  
Blogger Margaret said...

Now if I can only have such a letter to the Doctors and insurance companies.

8:24 AM  
Anonymous loisontheweb said...

I've been neglecting leaving comments ... sorry. My internet connection is so slow that I have to play two or three games of solitaire while each page loads; I don't have much enthusiasm for surfing.
I'm am going to put a link to this entry on my next journal entry ... It is just so clever of this lady to express herself about her bank account!

8:26 AM  
Blogger QUASAR9 said...

lol Dr John,
love 86 year old women with spunk

Unfortunately the bank is not obliged to have or keep her as a customer. Admittedly the bank wouldn't want to lose all the automatic montly deposits from pensioners ... or from anyone.

But alas it's a bit like medicine, just because a doctor or surgeon can treat you, doesn't mean he/she has to - even if you are willing (and able) to pay a premium.

It is not only Banks who have learnt to create DEBT, but all the utilities, and plumbers too.
It is not only Banks who will bleed you dry, but healthcare: doctors, surgeons, and the pharmaceutical industry too

Sick World we live in.

11:32 AM  
Blogger geosmythe said...

That 86 yr old lady should be given some kind of grand old prize. What a gal!

1:31 PM  
Anonymous quilly said...

I offically resigned from my Las Vegas teaching job today, so I don't think the bank will be issuing me any credit ....

Sorry I have been gone so long. I have been living life and having a wonderful time!

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Kat said...

Now that is one spunky little lady, can you imagine what fun she was in her day? LOL

3:26 PM  
Blogger Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Great letter.
Thanks for sharing that.
I'm getting some good ideas for use against some automated phone systems.


8:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That 86 year old lady sounds like my deceased (God rest her beautiful soul) mother. Mom got a speeding ticket, went to court representing herself, and WON. YES.

8:37 PM  
Blogger Lori's Minute said...

Funny letter....I hope I have such an attitude at her age.

9:32 PM  
Blogger W. J. St. Christopher said...

Hi, Dr. John!

Wow, it feels like at least 3 months since I've been here!

I was overdrawn 18 cents last month. By using a combination of sweet talk, B.S., and Jedi Mind Trick, I've convinced them that they don't REALLY want to charge me for that.


5:55 AM  
Anonymous One Eyed Daruma said...

Indeed, Dr. John, banks are getting nuts. I am fortunate enough to have a great bank - but let's talk about insurance companies!!! I may have to edit that letter a bit and send it to my bumbling agency.

12:46 PM  

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