Sunday, September 10, 2006

Guilt step six in grieving

Saying for the Day: Mea culpa! Mea Culpa!

Today and every Sunday for the next four Sunday’s we are looking at the steps in the grief process as described by Pastor Granger Westberg. These steps are:
1. Shock
2. Emotion
3. Depression
4. Physical pain
5. Fear or panic
6. Guilt
7. Anger
8. We function poorly
9. The breaking in of hope
10. The start of the new life
When we grieve we almost always reach a stage of feeling guilty.
Deep inside of us we feel somehow responsible for what has happened.
We say things like “ If only I had been there” , “ I should have made him go to the doctor” or “ I should have checked the batteries in the smoke alarm”.

Often this guilt adds to our feeling of depression or isolation.
There are two type of guilt in grief namely deserved guilt and undeserved guilt.

Deserved guilt comes from things you should or shouldn’t have done. You shouldn’t have said those things to her. You should have visited more often.

Undeserved guilt comes when you feel guilty for things you couldn’t change.
You couldn’t have made him go to the doctor unless you tied a logging chain around his neck and attached it to the truck.
You couldn’t spend all your time visiting her in the hospital.
When you hold undeserved guilt up to the light of reason it evaporates.

For the Christian the solution to both kinds of guilt is the same
You need to ask God for forgiveness and then you need to forgive yourself.
You have to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt.

Because God forgives you then you can as well.

New from Pigeon Falls-the little town in my backyard where the trains still run and sweet little old ladies carry shotguns.– Last night was the wildest potato festival dance in the history of Pigeon Falls. The Trusty Trumbles were playing and lots of people were dancing. There were a few just drinking. They were all on the end of main street in front of the Pigeon Statue. Mrs. Trumble was seated on a bench about a quarter of the way up from the other end of the street.
Suddenly Tommy, the undertaker’s kid , who was recording the band, suddenly hollered out there it is.Everybody looked in the direction he pointed and there was the White Rabbit wearing its pink sweater. It hopped out into the street just as Mrs. Trumble took aim and fired. She could not have missed. He was directly in front of her and she fired both barrels. The White Rabbit , turned , looked at her, and then hoped back towards the woods still smiling and waving. Mrs. Trumble ran to the end of the street but he was gone. “The pellets went through him”, she said, over and over. Then she said “the wrong shells” . Apparently she had regular shotgun shells instead of the silver ones with a drop of Holy Water in them.
They tried dancing after that but it wasn’t the same. The White Rabbit was back and Mrs. Trumble, whatever her excuse, had failed to destroy him. One wonders if Vicki will have to add another verse to her Trumble song.
This morning Eino checked out the billboard that was behind the White Rabbit. It was covered with shotgun pellets in a perfect spread. They do seem to have passed through the White Rabbit. Eino says that’s not possible. But half the town saw it.

Todays link: kat's random thoughts....Remember to put Dr. John in the comment to get those highly scheduled JCPOINTS. Check HERE for your total.
We don't have to wait for Betty since the daily contest is over.
I read all of the comments on yesterdays link. It seems good that there was a dialogue between teachers and a disgruntled student. Each got to look at things from the others perspective. Teachers saw through the eyes of a student and the student through the eyes of a teacher. I think Quilldancer did a marvelous job and as a former teacher I applaud her. This sort of give and take is one of the things that blogs are all about.
I transfered the credits for blog explosion to Chana, Catch, Cindy, and Margaret. That leaves Nea and Betty. Betty doesn't have a blog explosion account and I don't know if Nea does or not.
In terms of the degree certificates I have names for three of the seven. I still need a name for the certificate from Catch, Chana, and Margaret .
Betty and I went to the churcvh picnic today. It was nice to see so many people.
Well I need a breathing treatment.


Anonymous Ragnar said...

Thanks again for making me link of the day yesterday (got me 11 commenters) and I'll be back to read your post for today later, just haven't got the time right now..
The president of UPD(United Posts of Dust on a Dusty Road)

4:47 AM  
Blogger Chana said...

i may be yesterdays post last comment but i'm todays first (if i hurry :) and me, short comments are kinda not me, lol)

good morning...sorry i got to your blog so late (or early depending which way you look at it)..

guilt for me is something that made it's home in my heart and specially my head since my infancy. i think that is how i dealt with the rejection i perceived from my mom and that is how it all started. guilt over my marriage when it was not good, over not being accetep by my ex-in laws..everything and anything is in the guilt department for me..i have been told i say sorry too often and for things that i shouldn't be saying it too. it's true. it's as easy as a thank you for me.. i think somehow, my head has confused hurt and anger and maybe alot of the darker emotions and internalize them by making them into guilt. that way i won't hate out but has not been good. for i'm more willing to love out than in..i have much to work on in this and am trying. i think i have come along way from my saddest points.

your sentence of "underserve guilt comes when you feel guilty for things you couldn't change"- that is incredibly it..what i couldn't change..that is how i have dealt with it..not be angry or say outwards but in..

if you only knew how things just feel more clearly to me this second. that one sentence is everything.

thank you.
oh, i'm so happy the pink sweater wearing rabbit is back. woo-hoo! yuppi! she sounded stunned that her naughty ways didn't work. good. as much as i believe in Holy Water, and i do, i hope she stops using it in those 2 poor animals!!\
hope you have a wonderful day..another busy one for us here..we don't have the kids this wknd so we are filling it with dates and i'm happy.

hugs all around. God Bless. thank you for your friendship.
love you all very much.

4:52 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

I did not realize until reading today's post about guilt that I too have been grieving over the situation with my daughter and her husband. After reading your post I know that I did what I had to do and should not feel guilty for doing something that needed to be done a long time ago.

5:51 AM  
Blogger Janvangogh said...

When do we get to read the lyrics to the Ballad of Mrs. Trumble?

5:55 AM  
Blogger QuillDancer said...

Dr. John -- thank you for the compliment. I tried, but I wasn't certain I was saying the right things. It is hard because we cannot presume we know the motive behind every post, or the reasons why someone feels how they do. I wanted to make my point, but I tried to do it with "I" statements and keep the focus on my thoughts, rather than attacking his. I am glad that you feel I succeeded. I would not want to think I embarassed you.

6:34 AM  
Blogger QUASAR9 said...

Funny thing guilt.
People can feel guilty or ashamed about things they need not worry about. And yet be impervious to other guilt.
Like if we watch CNN and war, or movies and games, kill kill kill
and we feel no guilt???
If it is ok to kill Iraqies, yo kill muslims, to kill koreans, to kill native americans ...
then it must be ok for them to kill us too. Or are we guilty of thinking we are more right or better, or closer to the truth ...

Those who crucified Christ still think they are closer to the truth, and christians are fools

If there IS A GOD, is God not God of all, we cannot presume to justify ourselves before GOD, because of our DNA, our hair colour, our eye colour, our skin colour, our tongue, the clothes we wear, the army we support, the coin we use, the church we attend, or the religion we proclaim.

It is not - God do My Will
It is - Thy Will God, be done

Yet we all run around expecting God to pander to our will, and are disappointed like a spoilt child or brat if we are let down.

Ask & you shall reveive. YES
Ask God what will God give me today
And take that and share it with others.

Thank you Dr John
for sharing your gifts!

7:28 AM  
Blogger Kat Campbell said...

"When you hold undeserved guilt up to the light of reason it evaporates."
How very true and profound, this is the step I most frequently fail to take which absolutely clears the road to examing the deserved guilt and asking forgiveness for it. Thank you for making me the link of the day, I've enjoyed your posts and will be back.

8:59 AM  
Blogger Sister Chris said...

I have a new post on my blog. Just thought you'd like to know!!

1:05 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Hooray for the rabbit!

4:15 PM  
Blogger Nea said...

Quill, I wondered if you would notice that Dr. John called you a "former teacher." haha.........since she is working 12 hour days, I thought she would pick up on that........nothing former about Quills teaching......she is still at it each and every day.

6:09 PM  
Blogger Nea said...

grief yes, guilt no.....I skipped right over that one......nothing I could have done.....

Okay, HOW do i get a blog explosion account.......hopefully I don't have to explode.

I told you you hadn't seen the last of the white rabbit.......his pink sweater protects him, he really isn't evil or a demon, he is just a white rabbit in a protective pink sweater. And Mrs. Trumble better watch far he has been very understanding, but if she persists in trying to kill him, he might just have to take action. ya think.....RABBIT POWER!!!

6:12 PM  
Blogger Nea said...

alphabetizing is great if you begin with A or B or C.....feel sorry for the poor smuck who chose a name beginning with Z, their blog will never get visited. haha

going to change my name to ANEA haha, my mama didn't raise no dummy.

6:15 PM  
Anonymous sandy said...

I love that Rabbit *wave* :-+

And guilt is a terrible thing Dr. John
I couldn' even look at my mother's photo for a long, long time because I wasn't there when she died.

1:08 PM  

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