Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Fast Forward from Ralph 24

Every Wednesday I share with you something that my friend Ralph has forwarded to me.


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her! and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

@@@@@News from Pigeon Falls- The little town in my garage where trains still run, dragons fly, and Wink's Woods has Indian problems- About a month ago Wink's Woods picked up a large cigar store Indian. It is carved in a sitting position holding a box of cigars. Wink's added it to the array of junk that they have out in front of the store. They wanted two hundred dollars for it. Everything seemed ok. There were some offers to buy but nobody wanted to pay two hundred dollars even if it was a " genuine piece of Americana". Then, last Thursday, Mrs. Harvey Squelch , who was in Pigeon Falls visiting a relative, saw it. She is head of her local anti-defamation group in some town near Chicago. She announced that the statue was an insult to all American Indians and that it tended to reinforce stereotypes and so it had to go. Wink’s answered that this was a historic piece and you can’t censor history or art for that matter. Chief Bob Thompson, head of the local Indian tribe said her though it was rather cute and it didn’t bother him. Mrs Squelch, called him a traitor to his race and said that he had failed Indians every where. So every day for the last few days she has been picketing Wink’s with an “Unfair to Indians” sign. Over the entire time not one Indian has shown up to support her. But she says that’s because they are afraid. ( It could also be that Wink’s is one of the big contributors to the local Pow Wow).
The entire confrontation made the National News. It was billed as an Indian uprising ( the press is seldom accurate) and pictures of the statue showed up on national TV. Rossie O’Donnel said that it was a disgrace that in this day and age such things should be allowed in America. Donald Trump said that Rossie just doesn’t understand freedom.
While all this was going on the statue disappeared. Wink’s refuses to comment on it but the rumor is that a big Eastern Collector bought it and paid more that the two hundred dollars for it. The forces of capitalism at work in a small town.

Todays' Link-Motherwise Cracks- Some great helps for text messages on a cell phone. Leave a Dr. John in the comment.
Didn't do much today. Betty worked on cleaning up the pool. I watched my soaps. Betty went for a pre-surgery general check up.I visited most of my links. I left lots of comments. Spent some time telling stories to Bree. Now I'm waiting for my Son Peter, his son Luke and their dog to arrive. After that a breathing treatment.


Blogger Janvangogh said...

The wooden Indian might have been the stone man in disguise. Maybe he up and walked away.

5:28 AM  
Anonymous stacy said...

Oh my! Something to look forward to in my old age. LOL

6:22 AM  
Blogger goldennib said...

These were fantastic, but I don't need to get old to have some of those experiences.

6:57 AM  
Blogger Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Very good.

Thank you.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Josie said...

Dr. John, those were too funny. I needed a giggle today. Thank you :-)


12:29 PM  
Blogger judie said...

(Snickering) You are reminding me how old I am. I am sure I have done some of these! LOL

3:25 PM  
Anonymous quilly said...

I wanted to comment on the forgetfulness joke, but I can't remember what I was going to say.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Ginny said...

This was hilarious. I especially loved the Old Friends! Thanks for the laughs!

5:51 PM  
Blogger Margaret said...

Today is leave a comment day right?

6:14 PM  
Blogger Gardenwife said...

Great jokes, Doc!

6:06 PM  

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